Remembering to forget you.

  Remembering to forget you.

I wrote this to enable me to get over a very long term relationship. He was a professional violinist.

Dec.12^th 2000

Today I began writing this account of all the times I am reminded of our shared history and the depth of understanding we had of each other. Ten days ago I went to see the film 'Billy Elliot', memories of the miners' strike, your own ballet lessons and our mutual understanding of how the human spirit can be crushed.

Today I listened to the history of the 'Hot club of Paris' on the radio. This week it was Django, next week Stephan. No need to say more. You would have understood that it was special.

Last week on Dec 1^st I saw a late offer in the Travel Agents. 'Seven nights, ½ board in the Algarve for £169. I almost bought a ticket and sent it to you. You always said that you wanted to go to Portugal in the winter but we never did.

Last week I met Eric through 'People to People'. Nice man but I think he lied about his age. Well educated, but probably a Tory. Well travelled, no spark, not like you and I on our first date at the concert in Leek.

Dec 13^th. Met Melanie in Tesco. Her new neighbours came in, Terry and Linda. You would have liked to talk to them. Terry is a fiddle player, he used to play in Haymaker.

Dec 14^th I went to buy a piano. I needed a musician to help me. It would have been really helpful if you had been there. In the evening It was the Xmas concert in Union St Chapel, Crewe's West End Band. I kept thinking about last year's Xmas party and wondered if you said anything to the man who put his hand and my shoulder. You were angry.

Dec15 I am reading 'All about love ' by Bell Hooks. Considered sending you a copy.

I am wondering what you will do this Xmas. Spend it with your sisters Hilary and Marion I expect unless you have met someone else.

March 26^th Haven't written since before Xmas because I was too busy. Not because there weren't many times a day when I wanted to share what I was doing with you. After the Jacques Lousier concert we got back together briefly. It was a mistake. I was beginning to get over you. Do I just need someone, anyone. No, not anyone but ? Who knows? I give up trying to work it out.

2003 I moved to France. Firstly you visited then you rented a house in a village you came to hate. Then you moved to my village, still renting. Firstly you shared my van then you bought a car. You came to my house everyday. You ate with me nearly every day. Always at my house You were reluctant to even buy me a coffee when we were out.

Once you invited me to your place for a meal. You dropped the main course on the floor. It was in a Pyrex dish so it smashed. You opened a tin of tuna and put the tin on the table and told me to serve myself from the tin. I laughed. Why did I laugh? It wasn't funny. It was insulting. I felt insulted.

I wrote you a note. We seem to have moved in different directions away from each other. I think we should call it a day. Your reaction was immediate. I believe to this day that it was what you wanted but were afraid to admit it. You returned my key at full speed and asked for your key by note, which I returned via your boite de lettre.

I saw you twice after that both times in the cyber commune. Once I asked you if you had packed because I had heard that your were returning to the UK. You indicated that you had problems and turned away. You didn't want to tell me and I didn't want to know. There was a frisson still. The second time was in the library in Broons. You said, 'Hello' in reply to my 'Hello'. Neither of us asked how the other was. There was still a fission.

Was this in 2009?

2011 August You birthday was on the 14^th and I barely remembered it. Of course it was during the local jazz festival. I usually remember you then but this year I didn't. However there was a folk band at the local chapel at Routtier, the Church fitters. A wow of a concert The audience loved it. The fiddler was not as good as you and I missed you so much it hurt. But, not the now you. It was the old you I missed.

That is mostly when I miss the old you, at concerts like the one the Orchestre de Bretange played in the theatre de Verdure. The conductor stole the show because he was so balletic. You would have been reminded

I suppose of Paul Morris your old boss and what you called his cockroach dance when conducting. Firstly you would have said that he was great, brilliant, entertaining and then your jealousy would have crept in and you would have found more and more ways to criticise him.

I suppose that is one of the reasons I stopped loving you, that and the fact that you stopped making an effort where I was concerned. I miss you in bed sometimes. Not all the time and not for sex but it would be nice sometimes to feel your arms around me. But in the end we didn't even sleep in the same bed. You said that my coughing kept you awake.

I have grown more and more into gardening. You would hate that. Instead of enjoying my garden which by the way is beautiful and quite amazing, you would be jealous of the time I spend in the garden and away from you.

Earlier this year my family came to celebrate C's 50^th birthday. The weather was perfect and for me it was a really special time. You would have ruined it. You would have been jealous. You would have resented the fact that you were not the centre of attention and I would have been on pins in case anyone said the wrong thing to you or you felt neglected. Then you would have walked out without saying a word like you did so many times in the past. I don't think you even understood it yourself but you couldn't bear not being centre stage. Like a child without love who becomes destructive.

You need adoration and attention like food. But you also need food and lots of it too. And it had to be served to you and presented as though you were a guest in an expensive restaurant. You couldn't just muck-in. You couldn't just help. If you did help you had to be treated like a guest chef and praised ad infinitum.

People say to me ,'After 29 years, why on earth did you split up/ You should be together'. I answer,' After 29 years yes I should have left before.' Why prolong a declining relation ship. Yes after 29 years, 29 years was long enough in fact, too long.

When I think of you and feel the loss of you, I remember all the times we split and got back together because I couldn't bear to be without you. I know now why. I don't want the now you . I want the old you. It is the old you that I miss and he will never return,

It is said that arguments between couples are always about money even if superficially they are about something else but I believe that they are really about sex.

The truth is that most of the time I prefer being on my own. I am and always was independent. I never liked being considered as part (and a lesser part at that) of a couple. I always resented it when out alone people would always asked about you. It was as though I didn't exist alone. Now I know that if I am invited anywhere they are inviting me, not you and a side kick. If I go out it is me and people either speak to me or not as me not part of a couple known as Phil and Fleure. I have even heard you say on the phone , 'It's Phil, Phil and Fleure, as though we couldn't be separated. I hated that. I never signed, Xmas or Birthday cards Fleur and Phil. Always just Fleure. If you wanted to send cards why couldn't you just sign them Phil.

So I am enjoying my memories of you. The good ones of course and the bad ones too because they are the ones that remind me that, that is why we are no longer together.

2013 March

So it must be 4 years since we split. Was it November 2008 or later. You always remembered dates gone by very accurately. I didn't miss you at first in fact 2 or 3 years . Now I do miss you when it comes to music. Last night there was a programme about Rostropovich. You would have enjoyed it and talked about Britten and Shostakovich too. It reminded me of the Britten opera we saw at the Royal Opera House in London.

Last Sunday there was an enormous choir performing in Ereac church. You would have had lot to say about that.

I met a couple called Karin and Colin at the cinema and Karin said that she had played the violin. I realised that they know me and that most people I have met know me. If you were still here it would be you that they know. They would barely acknowledge me.

Post Script

Reading all this in 2025 I realise that it is 13 years since the last entry. So it really is -

THE END