TRUTH

When I write I feel as though there are judges peering over my shoulder. I am afraid to write the truth. That is the truth about my feelings. I can write the facts as I see them but TRUTH?
I feel as though I live my life according to other people. Is that why I want to be alone? Although even when I am alone there are are the voices telling me what and what not to do. Or even what and what not to think.
There is my mother of course. Most people have a mother in their head. In the mirror too but more of that later as they says on TV. Even now as I write this trying to reach my inner self  I am feeling judged.
My first concern that I have uncovered in living my life in reverse ( see my other blog) is that I have never felt unconditional love. I have given it to my children and grandchildren and great grand children but I have never felt that I was on the receiving end. Does being unconditionally loved give one confidence?  Confidence to act to make decisions, to speak ones thoughts and ideas?
Often when I have spoken out in meetings or to friends I have been put down.  It feels as though my very thoughts are wrong. A few times in my life I felt so strongly about an issue that I spoke out publicly and was prepared to defend my corner.  It was always about the nuclear issues or the environment.
Remembering my childhood to work out why I feel unloved and ignored I am beginning to understand. I was the youngest in a family of four. I had two brothers and a sister. I was treated as a baby . In fact I was always referred to as "the baby". Even at the age of forty when I was a grandmother my father introduced me to people as "the baby".
Nothing was ever explained to me. In those days children were seen and not heard. I heard though. I listened. I knew what everybody thought about everything, especially me. It was clear that they thought that I was stupid. They referred to me as "our Freda" with a kind of inference, "You know what she's like".
My nearest sibling, a brother three years older tortured me with Chinese burns and the match burning twice "joke". He ridiculed me mercifully in front of his friends. 
When my sister was planning her wedding they thought they were keeping it a secret from me. But I heard everything. They ignored me so much that I became invisible to them. Then one day my sister said, "Oh what a shame. Shall we tell her?"

                      This is IRIS my great granddaughter who reminds me of my childhood self .
I did have a secret life playing outside.