Letter from the Virgin Mary

 Bethlehem

Israel

Dec 25th 

Hi There, 

                 I bet you're really surprised to get this letter--especially after all this time--well it must be almost 2'000 thousand years I guess. Anyway hope you and your family are well. Joseph and I are getting on much better now after that bit of trouble earlier this year-you know-breaking the news about me and that angel wasn't easy, especially when neither of us could see the whole thing as a simple case of rape or a suitable circumstance for abortion seein'  as how it was God's baby an' all and Joseph such a strong church goer. 

Well it seems to have all blown over now and we've been able to go about our business in a civilised way for the rest of the pregnancy. Rather like you describe in your last letter about living with 53 atomic missiles bases practically in your back garden Chernobyl, Bhopal, and the Ethiopian crisis as well as the wars in Lebanon, Iraq, South Africa, Afghanistan and the Northern Ireland situation etc, etc, etc. amazing isn't it the power of the mind? 

Most of Joseph's relatives told him I probably dreamt the whole thing to get  the ritual stoning of sluts and harlots- -I ask you who would do such a thing like that?  Anyway enough of this history. I really wrote to tell you the news. It's a boy, of course, born last night, stable, star, and angels flitting in and out, taking messages up to his Lordship and me lying cursing him half the night and most of the day wondering why he had to be quite so literal at my expense with his entry of love into the world.

Thinking back, it must have been the journey that started me off two weeks early ( forgot to say we are on our way to one of those Roman censuses in Jerusalem). We got to within a few miles of this place called Bethlehem when I started with this cramp in my shoulders.

I didn't say anything at the time. I didn't think anything at first then I remembered what Elizabeth about her sister-in-law, the one with twin girls. She said that before her last one she had always started in the shoulders like she had been doing to much knitting or goat skin wine bottle sewing. So when I remembered this, I got a bit scared and said to Joseph, "I think I've started". Well that was a mistake. He just panicked about how he was going to get his meals cooked if I was on my back for 24 hours. Once I'd talked it out of him why he was looking so ill

 I was able to put his mind a rest by promising to get him some ready made kebabs or half a cooked chicken when we got into Bethlehem. I said how sorry I was and that I hope that it wouldn't happen to often.

He soon cheered up got off the donkey to give me a go which is really unusual because he doesn't  like my driving and says walking is bad for his image.

It wasn't long before we got into town which was a good job because my waters broke two minutes just after this innkeeper rented this stable to Joseph. Joseph said that he had no other rooms but I know Joseph better than that- he hates being in with a crowd and he hates even more parting with his shekels. Actually I didn't mind being a bit private except for the angels at least I could scream without too much worry about other peoples feelings. 

Joseph went off to find the local midwife called Ivy and to get some take away snappin' while I cleaned up the cow muck from one corner of the stable and put down fresh straw. 

Ivy turned out to be a real good sort. When she arrived I wasn't far from tears but we ran through the expected procedure together and practiced panting through strong pains.  I said how glad I was that drugs and gas and air hadn't been invented yet so that I couldn't choose not to experience the excruciating pain of labour that often resulted in death.  No. I was pleased to do my penance for Eve's transgressions in the Garden of Eden and it never crossed my mind,  once every five seconds that God was misogynistic or sadistic. I was just sorry that Joseph had to be put through this inconvenience and I was hoping the publicity would boost trade back in Nazareth and make up for all his trouble.

By midnight the kings had arrived with their presents. I was sorry that they hadn't come with their wives since we could have shared our experiences after the delivery. As it was we just sat together while the pictures were painted for the cards and wrapping paper and I talked to the kings about the local problems about oppressing people.

It was quite amazing to me how such a large object as a babies head could get through an opening normally a quarter of the diameter. i can remember Ivy saying start panting and don't push too hard. I was so surprised by the stretching sensation and I just shouted, " Jeeesus," as the head appeared. So that's what we decided to call him. Joseph insisted on Joseph Henry after himself, for middle names. I am toying with the idea of Gabriel but worried about how he will cope in exams or with forms even if tablets have gone out in favour of papyrus.

Well I must sign off now. I have promised to let Jesus spend a few minutes with a flock of shepherds that turned up last night. Jesus is very forward for his age. You'll probably notice that in the pictures.

I am feeling a bit tired now after all the excitement. Hope I can get a few hour sleep   before Joseph goes on at me to do exercises to get my figure back. Do you know that before last night I thought that God's wife, the Holy Spirit would be dead jealous of me having Jesus and not her. But I overheard one of the angels say that she had left the old man ages ago. apparently she lives with this girl friend.